January 2011
16 posts
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Folk Stories
If babies were apples, and my semen seeds, and my name Johnny…they still wouldn’t call me Johnny Appleseed.
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Random Text Fun!
So tonight Matt and I went and looked at a house and went to the movies, during this time he started getting text messages. These were from someone who had the wrong number and did not realize it. Matt could not let this go…
Random: Hey what happened with Chris in court today?
Matt: He is going to jail.
Random: How long?!
Matt: He is going to prison for 3 years :-(
(Matt laughed and was...
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How I Would Write A Craigslist Sex Ad
Looking For A Storage Unit!
Looking for a place to rent. Not too cheap, but not overly expensive. Here is the deal. Every so often my penis will get hard and will be too cumbersome for me to just haul around all over the place. So a few hours every day I need a place to store it. Now this is not a huge penis but it is above average. So most places will be snug for it but please no mansions. Also...
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Beta Testing Around The World
I think from now on when I’m dating a girl I am just going to say “I am Beta testing her.” You know, to see if she is ready for others.
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Wife listening to Husband talk to himself as he...
James: We don't need to see him have the exact same conversation with every girl. We're here to see the girls fight.
James: If you ever run at me and try to jump into my arms, there's a good chance that I won't catch you.
James: (valley girl voice) 'That looks comfy!' Let me just put this blanket on the fuckin' rocks. He really knows how to treat a lady. Hey there are chairs everywhere but this blanket on the rocks seems better.
James: Sitting on the fucking floor. Enough of that, right Emily?
James: Awesome they're starting to cry.
James: Personal breakdowns.
James: She's all snotty.
James: That makeup is totally waterproof, it doesn't come off at all.
James: On American Idol if they exploit your tragedy and your house- you're in! On Bachelor if they show you whining and crying -you're out!
James: If there wasn't a camera there that guy would be running, running like a bastard.
James: I hope they have their shots.
James: I'm totally going on the Bachelor next season.
James: I have a lot to offer these ladies.
James: Wait, no wonder this show takes so fucking long. He has a stash of roses. This show should take a week, tops.
James: She's not getting one. She's not getting one. That one is crazy as shit.
James: Why does that 'last rose' dude have to come out? Where is he the whole time? Behind a curtain with his pants around his ankles?
James: LAST ROOOOOOOSE.
James: If you didn't get a rose, get out.
James: Look at how she's walking. She's zany. You don't know anything about zany girls.
James: Look at how many girls he has left, is this going to be on until July?
James: Awesome they're all breaking down.
James: Wait the Kardashian's have another show now? That's how I know the Mayan Calendar is real. End of fucking days. I bet there's a carving, a glyph of Kim and her fucking sister on the Mayan calendar. But not the giant one, because they would have thought she was a monster.
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Text Fun Part Deux
Brittany: People think you’re gay? HAHAHAHA
Me: Yeah, we had this talk. A lot of people think I am. It’s always like the first thing they think apparently. I guess I give off a strong gay vibe. That or it’s because I’m normally sucking dicks when I first meet people…it could go either way really…
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Text Fun
Levi: I’m hungry.
Me: Your mom is hungry.
Levi: That may be so considering I just ate four of her yogurts.
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Babysitting
Sometimes I will put a movie on so my brother will be entertained and then put on my headphones and just write shit. He is like babysitting a little kid…
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Some Bits Of Conversations From Tonight
So Romantic And Yet So Mean
Me: So there is this girl I like and have been talking to and her name is {Expunged} and I see “{Expunged}” on AIM and my heart gets all excited and then I see your last name and I go awww…but you’re cool too I guess. lol
Her: sorry to disappoint! haha brat
Me: LOL, it’s so mean to say but I was so amused by the thought of it I had to...
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WatchJeremy and Josh decided to bring in the new year in the only way they know how.