January 2012
1 post
How Guys Facebook
Sometimes a girl will say something really really stupid on facebook and you want to respond being a dick so badly. But before you respond with being a dick you look at her whole picture, not just the thumbnail. In order to make sure you aren’t burning any very important, very sexy ass bridges.
December 2011
1 post
When Did Judaism Become Novelty?
I have never been one to care much for this stuff but with so many people fighting against it I have taken up this cross. I hate it when people in public tell me Merry Christmas. There are other holidays being celebrated that are greeted with a flat out refusal to recognize them. So whenever some random tells me Merry Christmas I respond with Happy Hanukkah as a sort of rebellion even though...
August 2011
1 post
How Do You Know Me?
I was telling a friend a story about how this girl recognized me and asked me if I was still singing and how I hate it when people know me and I dont know them, and I told her it happens more than you would think. As I was telling the story a person walked up and was like “Youre Charles the comedian arent you?!” I responded with “How the hell do you know me?!” and my...
July 2011
7 posts
Gillettes New Marketing Strategy
Have you seen the Gillette commercial where they shave under water with sharks where they ask if it is true sharks smell blood under water what razor would you choose. They compare their pro series and a disposable. The stupid was initially come on…not buying your product means shark attacks?! But that is too hack and easy as a target. Then I noticed something awesome. Did you notice it? Both the...
My Peoples AC
ME: It is so hot in my room right now.
Alexandria: What they don’t have AC in Mexico?
ME: No, we do, it is powered by harnessing donkey farts. Still too expensive for me though.
How Little I Care About Sports To The Extent Of...
So me and a friend were talking about video games and he loves sports games. I do not care for them, or what they are based on. I love playing sports but watching them is the definition of wasting your life away. Now some sports games have some how snuck into my life, mostly due to memories of shared good times when I got roped into them. Well I mention, to said friend, that the only sports games...
The Light that Never Warms: Cellar Door →
bmaxwell:
Some say that “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase in the English language. I know the ugliest string of syllables, or at least a finalist for the honor:
Nelly Furtado.
My god. Say it. Say it aloud.
First off, let’s start with Nelly. This is just a goofy name - it sounds like jelly, plus…
The Extras
My friend Bryan and I have a thing about people in our lives who are, as Bryan puts it, just fillers. I call them extras, people who don’t matter but they have to be there to give our lives the feeling of “real life.” We also have an ongoing joke that one day I will finally snap and fall into my natural role of a serial killer. So yesterday I said if I do snap this one person is...
Old Standing Up Materials
I found some old stand up material I wrote but that did not make the cut. Here is a piece of a bit about girls leaving you for their exes.
Or how about we have a history, yeah it was a shitty history, you didn’t see the jews running back to Hitler whenever they were freed. “Now I know things are rough, and you killed my whole family, but I can’t just turn my back on this awesome...
In Reference To Being Wedding Guests
Allison: I can only hope it’s as humid as they’re saying it’s supposed to be tomorrow. I can’t wait to be tired and sweaty.
ME: UGH, they better have AC in that birch.
ME (Following text): Come on autocorrect, grow up…
June 2011
3 posts
People You Should Follow On Here
My friend Adam; He is a Christian friend from back when I was going to be a pastor. Now I am a very outspoken Atheist who is very good at debating people on the merits of the bible. Don’t hold his crazy beliefs against him because I still love him.
My friend Bryan; We work together and he is one of a close group of people I trust with anything and everything to do with my life. Anything I...
Shoes
Real conversation from last night.
Friend One: What size shoes you wear?
Friend Two: Ten and a half.
Levi: Damn! You got those little baby feet huh? Well at least it has to be easy to get shoes.
Friend Two: Not really.
ME: Yeah, back to school shoppers must really clear out those kids shoes.
Friend One: This one time I walked into a shoe store and was so messed up I didnt realize I walked...
May 2011
13 posts
The Translation Of A Normal Post
The Original!
Sometimes when someone new starts following me on Twitter I will look at their profile to see if I know them personally. Well this girl added me and I saw we had some mutual friends but still didn’t know who she was. So I took a look at her Twitpic profile and found something way cooler. This girl has an accidental nip slip on her profile! So needless to say she lost some...
Looking To Break Into The Business? Have I Got A...
Help June & Casey finish their film! Have an extra ten grand laying around? Be named executive producer…ready go! http://t.co/LjBWGLs
Nerd Rape
One of the best parts of being the Tech Administrator for the company you also co-own is that when one of your business partners corrupts an entire operating system you can do some awesome dickhole things. Since they obviously couldn’t handle using Windows any longer and I had to spend hours just rescuing data I decided they no longer get to use Windows, now we run Linux. Let the hot Linux dicking...
Blumpkin
Levi: You ever smoke on the toilet Kyle? ME: Yeah, he calls it a blumpkin…Because he is smokin dicks! Kyle: (Just shakes his head)
“So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would...”
– Sylvia Plath (via motelblues)
I’m real interested in boxes…
A Binding Twitter Contract
So a few days ago I posted a question, via twitter and as a joke, to my friends Dave and Josh who are in a band. It was simply “I wonder if I could get over 5000 followers if I promised to release Daves phone number on twitter?” I didn’t say I would but Dave responded and Josh along with some scene girls retweeted it. Now some are following me and messaging me. I highly doubt I...
Our Security Guy
My brother and I have a friend who does security work where he locks shit down so people can not break in. He does it on a crazy level where he gets contracted out. Fully automated systems with biometric scanners and the works. So he was pricing some stuff out for us and he goes “What we will do is put some hidden CO2 tanks in that we use for putting out fires and then if someone breaks in...
The Terrorists Win
Someone made a joke on twitter about Bin Laden and Elton Johns song “A Candle In The Wind” and now it is stuck in my head. Even in death the terrorists still win.
WARNING: SERIOUS AND NOT FUNNY PART OF THIS POST TO FOLLOW.
On a sidenote I am always worried when I find myself agreeing with anything out of the Vatican but when they said they will not support the celebrating of another human being...
Baby Gorillas Who Sing
My response to someone telling me a girl we know thinks she can sing.
“Well think of it this way, if you saw a baby gorilla that could sing you would think ‘Wow! What a hilarious novelty!’ But you wouldn’t want to take that baby gorilla home.”
My Friends And Their Color Commentary For My Life
My friends like to add a little color to calling me an idiot when they feel my decision making is a bit off. First is Josh.
“You are both retarded moths to a flame.”
Next is Bryan with a great nerd analogy.
“Goddamn it Charles she is the Ellen to your Colonel Tigh. Just when we think he is getting his shit together and is no longer an alcoholic here comes Ellen and ruins it...
April 2011
6 posts
Unsanctioned Finishing Moves
Quote of the night. From my little brother Levi who turned 25 today. “Charles was notorious for unsanctioned finishing moves. For example the flying knee he gave me in martial arts. OK Bruce Lee settle down. Not appropriate for a small scuffle.”
Fun With Racism
Do you guys think a white person ever got out of an ass beating after dropping the N bomb by saying something like “Well the irony of you telling me I can not do something because I’m white is just palpable dont you think?” Yeah I doubt it as well…
“I’m going to get as far away from you as possible,” she said, “& there’s...”
– (via daniipants)
A Banter Lesson With A Dash Of Call Back!
Alternate title is “How Quickly I Can Take A Normal Conversation To Crazy Town!”
Part One: Banter.
Allison: Sucks. Sucks huge donkey balls.
ME: Now that IS a game you would like to play.
Allison: You’re extra mean sometimes.
ME: How was that extra mean?
Allison: I don’t ever want to play the game donkey balls.
ME: Well man up because I signed you up for fear...
Hypocrite
My brother and I have a friend who is hilarious just because of the way he thinks about things. Here is what he had to say about having to do community service.
Friend: I mean I was only there for stealing a box of condoms, and I leave the site for a minute to check my car because two guys walked off the job and I left my car unlocked so I had to go lock it. When I came back they tried sending me...
February 2011
6 posts
Work Relations
Where I work if you are spending time with a girl, even if you aren’t dating, you need to tell the higher ups about it just in case you ended up dating. Which is really crazy. Basically I feel it would go like this. “Hey, just so you know I have been talking to so-and-so and I don’t know where this is going but just in case anything happens I am giving you the heads up. Oh and...
Bowls O' Shit
Is it just me or is hearing people talk about “The Puppy Bowl” just as generic as hearing them talk about “The Super Bowl” now?
LULLIGATOR!
Alright guys, I just made this up (as far as I know) and want it to catch! ~~~LUL-“< (LULLIGATOR!)
Commercials I Have A Problem With
Toyota: And the how you would use our tech to better the world.
This bullshit is never going to get put into action Toyota. You got a bunch of dreamers on camera to go “I would use it to make an amusement park green, blah blah blah…” Just to make it seem like you are going to go out of your way to put these into action. I have an idea as well Toyota, let’s take your sudden...
Not A Rapist...Promise.
Brittany: This episode was a guy trying to rape this lady in her house. And it was her husband.
Me: You watch some crazy shit…lol.
Brittany: Pretty sure I wouldn’t wanna be fully attacked and raped but ok.
Me: Well I will write that in my journal, but I am pretty sure that was already in my “Already Know” column.
Brittany: Ok good thing.
Me: Yeah, some things I already...
January 2011
16 posts
Folk Stories
If babies were apples, and my semen seeds, and my name Johnny…they still wouldn’t call me Johnny Appleseed.
Random Text Fun!
So tonight Matt and I went and looked at a house and went to the movies, during this time he started getting text messages. These were from someone who had the wrong number and did not realize it. Matt could not let this go…
Random: Hey what happened with Chris in court today?
Matt: He is going to jail.
Random: How long?!
Matt: He is going to prison for 3 years :-(
(Matt laughed and was...
How I Would Write A Craigslist Sex Ad
Looking For A Storage Unit!
Looking for a place to rent. Not too cheap, but not overly expensive. Here is the deal. Every so often my penis will get hard and will be too cumbersome for me to just haul around all over the place. So a few hours every day I need a place to store it. Now this is not a huge penis but it is above average. So most places will be snug for it but please no mansions. Also...
Beta Testing Around The World
I think from now on when I’m dating a girl I am just going to say “I am Beta testing her.” You know, to see if she is ready for others.
Wife listening to Husband talk to himself as he...
James: We don't need to see him have the exact same conversation with every girl. We're here to see the girls fight.
James: If you ever run at me and try to jump into my arms, there's a good chance that I won't catch you.
James: (valley girl voice) 'That looks comfy!' Let me just put this blanket on the fuckin' rocks. He really knows how to treat a lady. Hey there are chairs everywhere but this blanket on the rocks seems better.
James: Sitting on the fucking floor. Enough of that, right Emily?
James: Awesome they're starting to cry.
James: Personal breakdowns.
James: She's all snotty.
James: That makeup is totally waterproof, it doesn't come off at all.
James: On American Idol if they exploit your tragedy and your house- you're in! On Bachelor if they show you whining and crying -you're out!
James: If there wasn't a camera there that guy would be running, running like a bastard.
James: I hope they have their shots.
James: I'm totally going on the Bachelor next season.
James: I have a lot to offer these ladies.
James: Wait, no wonder this show takes so fucking long. He has a stash of roses. This show should take a week, tops.
James: She's not getting one. She's not getting one. That one is crazy as shit.
James: Why does that 'last rose' dude have to come out? Where is he the whole time? Behind a curtain with his pants around his ankles?
James: LAST ROOOOOOOSE.
James: If you didn't get a rose, get out.
James: Look at how she's walking. She's zany. You don't know anything about zany girls.
James: Look at how many girls he has left, is this going to be on until July?
James: Awesome they're all breaking down.
James: Wait the Kardashian's have another show now? That's how I know the Mayan Calendar is real. End of fucking days. I bet there's a carving, a glyph of Kim and her fucking sister on the Mayan calendar. But not the giant one, because they would have thought she was a monster.
Text Fun Part Deux
Brittany: People think you’re gay? HAHAHAHA
Me: Yeah, we had this talk. A lot of people think I am. It’s always like the first thing they think apparently. I guess I give off a strong gay vibe. That or it’s because I’m normally sucking dicks when I first meet people…it could go either way really…
Text Fun
Levi: I’m hungry.
Me: Your mom is hungry.
Levi: That may be so considering I just ate four of her yogurts.
Babysitting
Sometimes I will put a movie on so my brother will be entertained and then put on my headphones and just write shit. He is like babysitting a little kid…
