Smoking My Friends Down to the Filter

Sometimes a girl will say something really really stupid on facebook and you want to respond being a dick so badly. But before you respond with being a dick you look at her whole picture, not just the thumbnail. In order to make sure you aren’t burning any very important, very sexy ass bridges.

I have never been one to care much for this stuff but with so many people fighting against it I have taken up this cross. I hate it when people in public tell me Merry Christmas. There are other holidays being celebrated that are greeted with a flat out refusal to recognize them. So whenever some random tells me Merry Christmas I respond with Happy Hanukkah as a sort of rebellion even though I’m not Jewish. Just to make them think and maybe change their greeting to “Happy Holidays.” Well the majority of the time the response is “Are you Jewish?!” with this look of excitement as if to say “I finally found one!” When did Judaism become the joke of the holiday season? I find the response a bit prejudice…

 I was telling a friend a story about how this girl recognized me and asked me if I was still singing and how I hate it when people know me and I dont know them, and I told her it happens more than you would think. As I was telling the story a person walked up and was like “Youre Charles the comedian arent you?!” I responded with “How the hell do you know me?!” and my friend was like “Holy shit you werent kidding!” 

Have you seen the Gillette commercial where they shave under water with sharks where they ask if it is true sharks smell blood under water what razor would you choose. They compare their pro series and a disposable. The stupid was initially come on…not buying your product means shark attacks?! But that is too hack and easy as a target. Then I noticed something awesome. Did you notice it? Both the “good” and the “bad” razors are Gillette Razors! Did they expect us just to assume it was a competitors product? What the fuck are you playing at here Gillette! Being a data nerd I do know that sales of these “better” razors are terrible and they are really trying to shift the market share to these and away from throw aways, being the mark up on these will make them a shit ton of money. Or the more interesting scenario is their competitors throw away razor is better than their pro razor. Either way kudos to you Gillette, for being a trend setter in advertising against yourselves.

ME: It is so hot in my room right now.

Alexandria: What they don’t have AC in Mexico?

ME: No, we do, it is powered by harnessing donkey farts. Still too expensive for me though.

So me and a friend were talking about video games and he loves sports games. I do not care for them, or what they are based on. I love playing sports but watching them is the definition of wasting your life away. Now some sports games have some how snuck into my life, mostly due to memories of shared good times when I got roped into them. Well I mention, to said friend, that the only sports games I own are NHL08 and NHL2K8, I must admit the NHL2K8 happened because I bought it on accident instead of NHL08. So my brother says, “And the only reason he owns that is because you can play as our brother for goalie.” My response was “Whaaaa?! I bought it because I actually enjoyed it. You can play our brother as goalie?” And Levi responds “I thought that was the only reason you bought it, because thats fucking cool. Thats the year the Hurricanes won right?” Come to find out he is right and I am so much of a sports hating ass that I didnt even think about the fact my brother was on that team the year they won the cup so naturally he would be in the video game. Smart, S-M-R-T.

* I understand video gaames are also a waste of life, to be honest I rarely play. The only reason I bought a system was to keep in contact with friends on the east coast when I moved to California to pursue a comedy career. And then I rarely played it still…

My friend Bryan and I have a thing about people in our lives who are, as Bryan puts it, just fillers. I call them extras, people who don’t matter but they have to be there to give our lives the feeling of “real life.” We also have an ongoing joke that one day I will finally snap and fall into my natural role of a serial killer. So yesterday I said if I do snap this one person is going to be first on my list. Bryan was surprised and asked me why him. I told him it’s because he is an extra who doesn’t realize he is an extra because he is always being loud and stupid. I can not handle people who are loud and obnoxious to get attention. I related it to trying to film a movie and you have a scene on the streets and one of the extras, who are supposed to be walking in the background and blending in to add to the feeling of it being real, is looking directly into the camera and waving his arms around above his head all wild like. Clearly trying to raise above his station and steal the scene and all it does is get him fired. The moral is if you are uninteresting please accept you are filler or “extras” for the rest of us and do not try and get in on the action, or I will murder you.

I found some old stand up material I wrote but that did not make the cut. Here is a piece of a bit about girls leaving you for their exes.

Or how about we have a history, yeah it was a shitty history, you didn’t see the jews running back to Hitler whenever they were freed. “Now I know things are rough, and you killed my whole family, but I can’t just turn my back on this awesome camp experience! We have a history!”

Allison: I can only hope it’s as humid as they’re saying it’s supposed to be tomorrow. I can’t wait to be tired and sweaty.

ME: UGH, they better have AC in that birch.

ME (Following text): Come on autocorrect, grow up…